Seriously, i shouldn't even be writing now. I've been procrastinating all weekend with four papers hanging over my head. Three need to be finished over the next 13 hours. I'm going a little crazy.
Why is it so hard to just sit down?
...god help me.:  stressed Grooving to: Fiona Apple |
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Apr. 6th, 2005 @ 09:41 pm
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Take the time to read this.
seriously. there's no more relevant history than the stuff going on every day.
also just wanted the link for my own personal archive. fabulous.:  enthralled Grooving to: The Lonely Shepherd - Kill Bill Vol. 1 Soundtrack |
thought some people might get a kick out of this ... i had more to say, but i think it would be unfair to include more without my respondent.
Jon kewl: nutn much
Jon kewl: juust woke up
Jon kewl: im kinda getting over the flue
Castin Eli El: ew
Jon kewl: yea
Jon kewl: i think im the first person in cali to get it
Castin Eli El: yeah, i heard it was going around again
Jon kewl: its gonna be really bad this year cause only half the flue shots are available
Jon kewl: which means more people are susceptable and yada yada yada...
Castin Eli El: you know, just a few years ago i remember the whole idea of a 'flu shot' was nonsense ... we just all got the flu and dealt with it like normal people
Jon kewl: yea
Jon kewl: true...
Jon kewl: that was about 10 years ago
Castin Eli El: like, just take a couple of aspirin and deal
Castin Eli El: your immune system will thank you for the excersize
Jon kewl: but the whole concept of e-mail and chatting online was also nonsence for most people
Jon kewl: im happy we have both
Castin Eli El: one innovation does not qualify another as 'good', you know
Jon kewl: thats true... i think the world didnt change because of snap braselets...but i do think were better off with flue shots
Jon kewl: you know how many people die from the flue?
Jon kewl: about 30 - 40% of the people who get the flue...die of it
Jon kewl: whens the last time u got the flue?
Castin Eli El: i don't know, to be honest
Castin Eli El: um, that's *really* not true
Jon kewl: if you got it recently, i am sure you will wish u had a flue shot
Jon kewl: honestly i hardly ever get one
Jon kewl: but i will get it from now on
Castin Eli El: i think i got it once like three years ago
Castin Eli El: but i still got the flu
Jon kewl: oh
Jon kewl: well theres several dif strains...the flue shot is for that season's worst 3
Castin Eli El: eh
Castin Eli El: i still think it's a poor solution to a small problem that takes money away from the larger issue
Jon kewl: actualy learning to treat the common cold is the larger issue
Castin Eli El: no, i'm talking about better overall health care service
Jon kewl: preventitve care i part of healthcare
Castin Eli El: have you noticed how many more people these days are missing teeth? the dental benefits we used to be so proud of in the 50s have all but dried up
Jon kewl: people are rarely dying of missing teeth
Castin Eli El: exactly, but educating the consumer is one way of cutting production -- this is out of my ass, true, but it's been my experience that something like 95% of flu cases can be solved with bed rest and fluids
Castin Eli El: the problem seems to be more that people don't know when it's actually an issue
Jon kewl: i think if u have the flue you know its an issue
Jon kewl: sometimes people cant get up when they have the flue
Castin Eli El: that's because they shouldn't
Jon kewl: you have no case ryder...
Jon kewl: what about the money they loose not working
Castin Eli El: listen, i'm not saying it's not a good thing for people who need it -- the elderly, or the working poor who can't afford to miss work
Castin Eli El: but better overall healthcare is more the priority
Castin Eli El: the serious problem no one seems to get has nothing to do with treatment per se; rather, it's the expanding cost of health care as a whole because new pharmecuticals are steadily and rapidly raising the bar -- and hence the price -- of what we consider 'good' health care
Castin Eli El: if something could be life-saving, like the flu vaccine proposes to be, then automatically we're entitled to have it ... but no one considers where the money to pay for it comes from
Jon kewl: i think the only way to stop that is to import cheaper drugs from canada
Castin Eli El: that's a way to start moderating the system as whole, but it's not a solution
Jon kewl: its about 100$ for a flue faxcine...
Jon kewl: the average person looses upto a week of work when they get the flue
Castin Eli El: multiply that by every person in the States
Jon kewl: think of the effect that has on the GNP
Jon kewl: the people who can afford to get it, will pay for it...
Jon kewl: the people who cant afford it will get it at a free clinic
Jon kewl: the is what GWB doesnt tell u when he bashes kerry's health plan...Kerry doesnt wanna get rid of private healthcare... for those who can afford it...but less then 50% of the country has any coverage...
Castin Eli El: that's because the way most people pay anything into health care is through insurance, which thanks to the rising bar of what services we're entitled to has to keep raising its premiums
Castin Eli El: the whole notion that it's the malpractice suits rising the costs is ridiculous, and a very small part of the real problem
Jon kewl: are u a bush supporter?
Jon kewl: cause bush hasnt done anything for tort reforms...
Jon kewl: and malpractice shouldnt affect perscription drug prices...
Jon kewl: the fact is the actual doctor visits havent changed that much over the past 10 years
Jon kewl: the drugs have
Jon kewl: it costs about 40,000 a year to treat an aids patient... less then 20% of that is from doctor visits...
Jon kewl: the things driving up health care prices are drugs and hospital stays
Castin Eli El: to be honest, i don't know enough about the internal workings of malpractice law to say whether tort reform would be a good thing or not -- but there needs to be a way to cap a health care provider's ability to raise prices in response to those costs
Jon kewl: why should i pay $4.00 per pill of tylenol when i can get a bottle at rite aid?
Castin Eli El: but i'm not a bush supporter by any degree
Jon kewl: the reason hospitals charge as much as they do is becuase they have to treat so many people who have no health care...
Jon kewl: Malpractice insurance is compleatly seperate from health insurance...
Jon kewl: there isnt a direct corilation
Jon kewl: the rising price of MP insurance would effect your doctor's office visits...
Jon kewl: i totaly support tort reform...but you cant make it so that if a doctor is negligent they cant be held accountible
Castin Eli El: he's made it clear that the focus of his administration has been the consolidation of power in the executive branch so that unpopular reforms, say, the baptist agenda, can be pushed into law
Jon kewl: yes
Jon kewl: agreed
Castin Eli El: i agree with that --- but i don't think anyone's proposing that we remove malpractice suits altogether
Jon kewl: look at what bush is proposing..
Castin Eli El: but just because i'm not a bush supporter doesn't mean i intend to back kerry all the way
Jon kewl: what dont you like about kerry?
Castin Eli El: the one good thing that came out of this administration was that people began questioning the validity of governmental authority again ... which i think is going to be lost as soon as he's gone
Jon kewl: hopefully he will be gone in 6 dats
Jon kewl: days... well in a few months
Castin Eli El: the most important question asked at the 1st debate was regarding the precedent we set with attacking Iraq --- it only became a small news item so as to make people comfortable with the idea
Castin Eli El: Pre-emptive War
Castin Eli El: it wasn't just that they agreed on it; kerry went so far as to say that it wasn't new
Jon kewl: when did he say that?
Jon kewl: he said that he would do everything to protect the country...
Jon kewl: but that there must be a "global test" before such action would be taken
Jon kewl: that came back to bite him in the ass
Castin Eli El: he was careful enough with his words to be able to say, if pressed, that it wasn't a new idea -- which is true; but he gave the impression that it was a strategy we've employed before
Jon kewl: did u actualy watch the debate?
Jon kewl: cause i watched all 3
Jon kewl: several times
Jon kewl: he critisized the president for taking unilateral premtive action
Jon kewl: trust me...if kerry wins...he wont do anything preemtive...
Jon kewl: he wont do anything without the UN's approval...
Castin Eli El: there should be a global test; this whole damn country was founded on the idea that law, written by resonable and forward-thinking people, was a far better guide of action than people's first responses to events at hand
Jon kewl: which isnt good eather
Jon kewl: the UN isnt the test...
Castin Eli El: he was criticizing bush for not having properly established the threat before attacking
Jon kewl: we never would have gotten approval from the UN...
Castin Eli El: that's not the same thing
Castin Eli El: so?
Jon kewl: not because sadam was being a good boy...but because he promised france, russa and germany millions of dolars in oil when the sacntions were lifted
Castin Eli El: if we'd allowed the UN to give us approval first before attacking, we wouldn't be in the damn mess in the first place
Jon kewl: the UN is currupt and needs to be abolished and replaced...
Castin Eli El: it has nothing to do with the quality of the check we place on our actions, only whether those checks exist!
Jon kewl: the UN has consistantly turned its back on most of the large scale genocide and oppression since its existed
Castin Eli El: and there's no reason to scrap the UN so long as it cannot authorize the immediate use of military force
Jon kewl: yes there is, if it wont authorise military force when its required
Castin Eli El: No!
Castin Eli El: that's the point
Castin Eli El: the UN is only useful as a check preventing military action
Jon kewl: the UN didnt do anything in ruewando...in east temore, in samalia...in iraq when sadom was gassing the curds...
Jon kewl: the UN is the golbal court established to prevent these types of large scale genocide...
Castin Eli El: if you give it the power to use military pressure to accomplish an agenda, whether that agenda is peacekeeping or whatever, it runs the risk -- which at some point history has shown us that all governmental organizations fall prey to, in the end -- of using military force to enact an independent agenda against another party
Jon kewl: if they cant respond to those obvious examples of large scale genocide then its not effective in its mission and should be replaced with something that will..
Jon kewl: dont forget...the UN was established after wwII after 11 million people were exterminated by the natzi's
Jon kewl: our people
Jon kewl: seems like the only thing the UN is good at is condeming isreal for responding against self identified palestinian militerants who go and blow up children on busses....
Jon kewl: Now i dont think this war in iraq was handeled properly but as a JEW i am happy sadom is gone...
Jon kewl: sadom gave $30,000 to the familty of homicide bombers
Castin Eli El: that's because the only power which exists in the UN is the authority its members grant it --- its a program of voluntary involvement, and shouldn't play a role in the actions of those who aren't or don't wish to be involved
Castin Eli El: that's more to the discretion of independent countries or coalitions thereof
Jon kewl: so if a country (not in the UN) is attacking a country in the UN...should the UN ignore it?
Castin Eli El: not if they're both members
Jon kewl: but if one of them isnt a member they should?
Jon kewl: thats stupid...
Jon kewl: so you think it was wrong for the United states to get involed with world war 2?
Jon kewl: or only after pearl harbor?
Jon kewl: see that was what people who think like you thought at the time...
Castin Eli El: brb
Jon kewl: if we had entered ww2 in 1938 its posible we could have prevented the extermination of our people...
Jon kewl: at some point you need ot have the power to authorize force...
Jon kewl: if the UN cant or wont because of currupt interests then it needs to be replaced by something that isnt currupt and will.
Jon kewl: I need to go
Jon kewl: nice talking with u
Jon kewl signed off at 11:15:45 AM.:  thoughtful Grooving to: bittersweet symphony - the verve |
yesterday was fun, i spent a make-your-own pizza night out with friends watching john waters movies. the man's a fucking genius. today and tomorrow i'm spending (supposedly, my ability to procrastinate knows no bounds) writing two papers for class ... so that's my life in a nutshell. see you on monday.:  grumpy |
so today i visited the philolexian society's weekly meeting on campus. don't ask me what a philolexian is, i still don't know. i just wandered in to audit it, see if there was something to it; about a month ago, i watched their current head give a poetry reading on campus -- that is, the winners of their annual Bad Poetry Contest. their head's kind of hot, so it'd been in the back of my mind to at least check it out.
so i spent the night debating the value of underwear in the 21st century. afterwards, around 11:00pm, we played croquet out on the lawn. i kid you not. (i think i'm now a member... not sure how it happened).
of course, the hot guy wasn't there tonight. so i'm going to have to go back next week.....
hehehe...
cool. ^_^:  awake |
| » Political Rant #1 |
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so i watched some of the debates last night, and yes, Regis, i've made my final decision. i'm voting for Nader. i know we need to get Bush out of office, he's still a whiny little money-grubbing jesus-hugging tree-fucking daddy's boy, but i live in a 'blue' state anyway, which means i can get away with it.
if you want to whine to me that Nader cost Gore the election in 2000, i can say
- That's bullshit,
- Nader voters weren't the blacks or hispanics that the republicans managed to pull off the voting record in Florida, and
- Our country was built on the spirit of fair competition; we outlaw trusts and break monopolies for a reason.
besides, it's become obvious that the only good candidate anymore is one that's committed to reducing government, which neither the Dems nor the Pubs offer or want.
moreover, as of the past two debates, there are two glaring questions that neither party seems to want to call attention to:
1: why are they telling us that pre-emptive war has always been acceptable policy when this is the first time in over 200 years that we're using it?
2: why has no media source called attention to the fact that this is also the first election to effectively subject our military's strategy to civilian referendum?
.....ok, enough politics. i just wanted to mention for anyone who was confused by yesterday's post, i work at the front desk at my university's student union/conference center, as security, and occasional secretary; in addition to the fact that student clubs and outside organizations use the place to host events at all times, there are two cafeterias, 7 lounges and a game room, the central student mailroom is here, a bookstore (where most of our textbooks and all the university souveneirs are sold at a premium), and various offices for students and non-students. moreover, the building itself is notorious amongst the international architechtural community as one of the single worst designs for a conference center ever conceived.
the front desk also fills the job of general information desk. it's a vague enough position that i can get away with a lot, but that same vagueness lends itself to some odd requests. Directions around campus are the most typical, but people ask for all kinds of things ... where they can buy tickets for events, how to contact whoever, where they can find a microwave, and sometimes even do i know where this movie is playing? and so on.
it's confusing enough here, to say the least, but that's why we post as many signs as we can to help clear the traffic flow. unfortunately, it's become clear that our educational system must be failing, because NO ONE READS THE DAMN THINGS!!!
for this glorious opportunity, i make $10 (before taxes) every hour. yay, economy.
Oct. 6th, 2004 @ 07:31 am
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| » Born again |
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maybe i've just had my head in the sand too long, but after reading a webcomic artist's blog about how she couldn't convince one of her friends to use livejournal because she thought it was just another journal i realized i'd been something of a pompous ass in handling this and vowed to start making good use of my time at work.
i can deal with my life later, for now, i'm just going to vent about work. did i mention i hate people? especially foreigners. wait, no -- at least they have an excuse for being stupid.
READ THE DAMN SIGNS, PEOPLE!!! WE PUT THEM UP FOR A REASON!!!
mmm... i need me a sword. big, sharp, metal stick. mmmmmmm.....
Oct. 5th, 2004 @ 08:56 am
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| » Tisha B'Av |
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this is the end of the day that marks the worst event of jewish history, the fall of our temples. it's considered to be bad luck, and we fast from sundown to sundown. i haven't really been fasting, though i think i ought've. it's little surprise then that i sean and i weren't able to make things up, and i went unlaid another night, and sean tore into me again for it. We really need to talk, but it's been harder to since he picked up that playstation 2 last week.
Jul. 27th, 2004 @ 07:47 pm
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| » tired, worked up and overwrought |
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yeah, that's 'overwrought' as in that feeling you get when someone's been wringing you out for far too long. I spent all last night fighting with my boyfriend sean, and though i wish my first time writing him into my journal would've been inspired by something less antagonistic, it couldn't be helped. This is as much a place for me to dump out my excess emotion as anything else. If it had been a stupid fight, over video games or somesuch, i wouldn't have worried so much about it, but instead sean blew up over money, and that's something i can't fix with any immediacy. It kills me .... we ended up overextended this month because of a refund check i thought i was getting, and which i may not be now for no reason. The debt sean and i've racked up over the past few months, what with him out of a job, us trying to pay rent, and everything else, has just been wearing on us. What's worse, the lack of a job has been wearing him down to the point that he snaps almost every other day now.
I can't hold the both of us up on my own, and somehow he ends up feeling that it's his responsibility to do the same. I love him so much ... i want him to feel better about himself, but without a job and something to do to contribute, it's so difficult to make him feel good about himself. God knows, i don't know how to make people feel better about themselves, my parents certainly didn't help to build me up or teach me how to build up others thereby. I'm worried, and i'm uncertain, and i'm lost.
This will all be fine, of course, if i just get the damned check. But i'm worried they might just decide not to give it to me, as i'm the little guy who they can screw without consequence and they're big brother for this neck of manhattan. Even after the check, though, it's high past the time i sat sean down and we worked out a real budget together, like we used to when we first started dating. I don't know why it fell off ... maybe he felt it was my turn to do the budgeting and i didn't pick up the ball, i don't know. But we can't keep things up this way, and change will always scare me.
God, if you're reading this, i know we've had our differences, and i'm sorry. I can't be everything i thought i was expected to be, and i what i learned was that i didn't have to ... but in the process i left you behind, and i wish i hadn't. Please, just help me help sean, and i will push ahead to be the utmost you can make of me.
Jul. 26th, 2004 @ 09:02 am
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| » sitting at work again |
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i could either spend the next few entries trying to fill everyone in on my life from beginning to end, pick up where i left off, or even just start fresh... what to do, what to do? i don't want to spend time writing useless bullshit, but god knows it's always bullshit of some kind or another. but then, i've only had two people read this thing at all since i started, so maybe some memorable filler is a good thing. but i think i much prefer this more masturbatory style where i can go on for hours without really saying anything. good? no? hum.
Jul. 25th, 2004 @ 09:31 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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i hate it here. this city disgusts me, and i'm certain it's trying to kill me. but i will prevail. for every piece of beaureaucratic bullshit that carries the weight of another fatulous unemployed subway rider, for every nickel and dime secreted away in the jowls of another pontificating plutocrat, and for every useless moment spent waiting for everyone else to be served or helped before me i curse thee, o city of mine. i will deliver my curses in every stopped toilet bowl, on every delayed train, and amongst the hapless wanderers of your borders that you are responsible for crushing the spirits of.
Jun. 9th, 2003 @ 03:49 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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it seems funny how quickly the past week flew by, considering how much happened throughout it. jay came back into my life (or recaptured it, more accurately) on tuesday, once again blowing my emotions into a maelstrom and setting my hormones ablaze. for those who don't know, jay is my ex of a year ago, a nymphet of stunning self-confidence and youthful aplomb, who so nearly as i can tell may have been unwittingly responsible for sending me into the year-long drug-induced spiral of desperation that ended only forty days ago. when first we broke paths, we stopped speaking to each other. a few months later, we started to talk once more, and kept on as friends. then i went to rehab, and when i returned we were suddenly sleeping together again. i wouldn't normally think this a problem, but keeping on a casual sex life with someone who's only supposed to be a friend and whom i never fell out of love with (yes, i'm *still* in love with the boy, and it pisses me off) is very much a complication that i can't, in this fragile state of recovery and rehabilitation, continue living with. at the same time, i love having jason as a friend, but i can't seem to strip the friendship of the feelings i still have for him. i could tell him i no longer want to see him or talk to him, but the only reason i have for doing so is my own idiot impulses, and it feels both selfish and horrible to shut him out like that. it feels unreasonable to do such a thing - unless, i suppose, i'm willing to count my own emotional welfare as a reason.
hm.
..... ?
...!
funny, i hadn't really thought of things that way until i wrote it out ... i'm definitely going to have to start spilling some more of my mental juices here more often. next time.
May. 23rd, 2003 @ 06:44 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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so, i've been out of rehab for two weeks now... life is crawling along at lightning speed. i haven't the slightest idea what to write about, but i wanted to keep in the habit of just mentioning something, anything, so as to not leave this thing alone entirely and maybe, just maybe, i'll start having something to say that doesn't sound like utter gibberish. peace.
May. 13th, 2003 @ 01:24 pm
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| » picking up speed |
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i had two midterms today --- did poorly on the first, opted out on the second... was just too unprepared despite my all-nighter yesterday. all the same, i feel better. now that the adderall is truly clearing my system, and now that my weight's back up to normal (about 140), i'm feeling more energy and more motivation to just *do* things during the day again. despite today's performance, and my absence from life in general over the past two months, i'm optimistic. from here on in it can only get easier with each passing day.
tonight i'm heading out to jay's house on long island. his parents are away on vacation for the time being, and he's all excited to show off his room. all i have to do is be there; we've been cutting down on the drug use, even when we hang out, and although i'm pretty sure we'll find *some*thing to play with, we're not going to settle for coke again. he mentioned something about tina though, which i'm feeling iffy about. imagine *me* not wanting free drugs. c'est la vie.
Mar. 6th, 2003 @ 05:20 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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Sitting on the 3 train coming back from Parker's at the YMCA in Greenpoint ... watched a woman break doun in tears on the G train earlier for no apparent reason, and yet the crowd made way and provided the distraught woman with both seat and support. Not sure how this is supposed to help me get through the midterms i'm hopelessly behind for ... even less sure of where (or how) this relationship with Parker is going. I hope to God that I won't have to quit heroin again ... once was so much more than enough.
Mar. 4th, 2003 @ 02:06 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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i think that it's about time i wrote again, if for no other reason than it's taken me this long...
the adderall experiment seems to be, happily, something of a success. next thing to try quitting'll be nicotine. maybe another few weeks -- midterms coming n' all. i wouldn't mind having a couple more weeks worth of wellbutrin first, though, just to get through the hump.
my roommate hasn't been that great of an influence on me ... not that i needed *his* help to become the great druggie i am ... which is one reason i'm looking forward to seeing him leave in another two weeks. it's not that we haven't had our good times -- it's just that the bad times have been out on the further reaches of Fucked Up's territory. for instance, the dishes fiasco: whereupon my roomie takes it upon himself to go into a rage over the dirty dishes remaining unclean for the better part of a week ... despite the fact that they are, for the most part, *his* dishes. thank god i've had enough friends bear witness to his little fits, should the need of testimony ever arise (as he seems to enjoy threatening violence). to be fair, though, i suppose i *do* drag it out a bit (most other times, the better part of the sink pile's my own) ... but then i think i wouldn't be this obtuse if i wasn't already resentful of his manner. c'est la vie.
Mar. 1st, 2003 @ 05:55 am
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| » The Trial |
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I have the most common learning disability of the 21st century. Psychologists used to call the disorder 'hyperkinesis', but today the public knows it as the acronym ADHD. The only medication prescribed for this condition is a diluted form of the street drug crystal meth, but people who take the medication recreationally most often describe it as mild cocaine. Recently, an airforce pilot was hauled into court for mistakenly firing on a group of canadian soldiers; his lawyer blamed the incident on the Dexedrine that the airforce gives its pilots, a powerful amphetamine originally developed for ADHD. Strangely, the pilot denies that the amphetamines had any effect on his judgment, despite that the most common side effects of amphetamine or cocaine abuse are severe fits of paranoia.
Dexedrine was a precursor to Adderall, the drug I currently take for ADHD. Many people mistakenly believe that Adderall was created to replace Dexedrine as a milder and less chaotic substitute. In truth, Adderall's chemistry is a cocktail of assorted amphetamines, among which Dexedrine appears as the major ingredient. I began using Adderall three years ago, in response to the sudden onset of severe, palsy-like fits which I believed were brought on by the ADHD. It was the first time I ever took medication for the condition, and I soon believed I'd found my salvation in those little orange pills. Tonight, just two hours ago, I took what I hope will be my last dose.
In recognition of the addict's vulnerability to easily accessible drugs, I'm taking what remains of this month's prescription and getting rid of it. My next available date to refill the prescription is three weeks away, and school begins in two days. I survived through grade school and high school without any chemicals helping me, and I'll be damned if I let Adderall take the credit for college. My greatest fear over the last two and a half years here at Columbia was that I can't keep up with everyone else without leaning on this chemical crutch, but I found myself asking: how long can I keep bluffing my way through life?
Jan. 19th, 2003 @ 10:18 pm
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castineliel's journal